It's 3.46 pm

20 years trying to put all things together. So i can get a perfect life. Studying so hard to be the best for myself and to create my future that i've been dreaming of. Because I know, people will never support me nor understand what I'm doing. They just keep judging and tell me that I'm not good enough. They told me that I'm not a good kid, because I'm not as good as they want. I keep telling lies, because I want you to know that I appreciate myself and I'm still a grateful person. I'm fucking a grateful person even though I never said that with quotes with you or status update so everyone knows.

He told me I'm not a good mate, because I'm not the right person to be with, I'm not a good choice you said. I'm overthinking, dramatic, and a sadness girl. You said I'm a sadness girl. I have my own reason to be sad. What a terrible life I've been through, you can't even imagine how much pain deep inside my heart. I never told anyone, because no one cares. I might be strong outside, but you don't know what I do every time I'm alone. Staring at words, social media, useless thingy. Pretending that I'm doing fine and I will doing fine. I'm not fine at all. Thinking about how can I change my life. Wondering what I am actually good at.

I thought I had someone. But I just found out I don't. And it feels suck. Every day wondering what is wrong with me. Am I the one to blame? Is it me or you guys suck? What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't I be free? Why can't I be needed? Why am I always lonely somehow?

Stop thinking that I'm strong. I'm not. I'm definitely not. I wanna feel what love really is. I never felt that before. Or maybe I'm not sensitive enough to feel it?

Right, this is my fault. I keep telling myself that everything is gonna be okay. I keep telling everyone I'm okay. I'm not fucking okay and I will never be okay.

And I hate knowing that you're not around me, they're not around me and you kicked me very gently and you don't realize that, they do it, because you forget me, they forget me. You hella forget me. They hella forget me. You're not even trying to help. They're not even trying to help.

They hella really really my good friend. You really really my good friend. You showed me what a good friend is. They show me. How good a friend is it. Thank you! I'm fucking grateful to know all of you 😄