Due to overflowing mind, here I am writing a new blog post.
This post might get you think some.
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Sebenernya bulan februari lalu gue ada rasa pengen nulis, tapi karena saat itu gue lagi di lemah secara mental jadinya pikiran gue agak sedikit terganggu. Sekarang pun sebenernya gue lagi nggak menggebu-gebu banget untuk menulis, karena pikiran gue udah agak used up untuk jauh dari sosial media, nggak mikirin jalan orang lain, dan sedikit mengembangkan kehidupan kesehatan mental gue.
"Kehidupan mental? I thought you were fine."
Believe it or not di bulan lalu gue udah nyerah sama apapun yang mau gue lakuin. That's actually one of my february problems anyway: it's been hard and tough for myself. Gue pertama kalinya merasa butuh ahli nya pas gue mulai nggak bisa cerita lagi ke orang di sekitar gue. She asked me to tell anything that would be hard to tell others. Dan kemudian apa yang mau diomongin belum sampe akhir udah nangis duluan. Di sana gue ada menggambar juga berdasarkan kalimat yang disebutinnya. I do feel myself changing a lot. I later then found out that if it's a good change. So I won't think I need an expert. Kalo di tanya apa yang berubah ya jawabannya adalah pikiran gue makin kacau sampe kadang gemeteran setiap lagi diem. Setelah itu setiap tidur selalu kebawa mimpi dan ujungnya nangis. Lalu gue jarang ngomong dan jarang makan sampe dibeliin vitamin untuk nggak selalu mikirin macem-macem. Gue nggak sering chatan sama temen gue yang sebenernya kadang gue nggak mau kalo gue baca terus ujungnya kepikiran. Bahkan gue jadi matiin notifikasi WA, despite seorang gue yang basically suka update status.
Me being more lose self-confidence nowadays got me thinking, "Why did I even doubt myself even more in this life? And why my self-confidence?". Terus gue mulai mikir sebenernya gue kenapa (yes, I am on that stupid mind). Pertanyaannya negatif. Cukup negatif sehingga instead gue jawab, I just thought of my failure, feel that failure is shameful. Jadi gue merasa kalau gue didn't fulfill what my parents wanted and that means I failed. But at least this made me lose my self-confidence even more.
There are hundreds of things that I think about myself. Pertama, Memenuhi ekspetasi orang lain aja sebenernya udah nggak banget. I still don't understand why did I do that. This made me more and more confused about myself who didn't even know what kind of "Person" I was. Instead of knowing what makes me happy, I get more confused about what I like and what I really want to achieve that I couldn't answered in freaking two hours. Kedua, it makes you frustrated not knowing what makes you happy at the same time. You can obey someone's wishes and be what they want until you are confused about who you are. If you are a loyal read of this blog, you would probably know I have quite a problem tapi kata orang "Nggak semua masalah harus diceritain." (walaupun sampe sekarang udah jelas how social is social, how communication is communication, how human is human, etc). But never in my life I say someone's problem without giving a treat of kindness. Why? Because that's a good thing, if you can't use words then show the attitude directly to make them not feel alone.
The point I am trying to make is, while I can listen to myself of self-reflect and even helped by anyone. On the other side of my social bubble, all I got is.... overthinking? I find it rather weird.
Nggak semua temen gue kayak gitu. There are some good people in my life (lagi-lagi harus menjelaskan untuk menghindari anggapan tidak punya teman).
But....
Ah, I am done explaining. You do get my point.
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